Thursday, 6 October 2016

Life Begins at the End of Your Comfort Zone: Part One

(originally written to an FB audience, and complete with interjections)

It does. As you stand on the edge of the cliff, stand beside your winged unicorn. In despair. But in front of you is the wide sea, in front of you is the wide horizon, in front of you is life. Behind is the past, that boiling land of death and destruction. So you leap onto Horatio, the winged horse, go, you cry, and Horatio leaps forward, he tucks his front legs under his chest, springs from the rear legs, wings beat and he has lept forward, he has left the cliff, there is only bare air below him, he is flying through the wild air and you are on his back, you scream in jubilation and Horatio screams with you, and unnerving sound that echoes round and round the clear red skies...

Kim (adding sound effects) Caw Caw!
My ravens are back! She screams in greeting, she urges Horatio on, the ravens follow, feathered wings thumping the air, in time, in rhythm, all together, like the thump of the bass notes from next door's neighbour from Hell.
An unearthly cacophony of sound reverberating on the ocean below, notes assaulting the pirate ship ploughing through the skyscraper waves.
What next, sighs the bearded pirate captain, as he struggles to keep the ship from sinking. He and his crew are saturated with thick salty water. I wish I had never taken this job on, it has been like impending doomsday from start to finish. I am bitten by that freaked out wolf, I do battle with that wild woman, and the baby in the hold won't stop bawling. Pirating is not like the old days when a pirate got respected, when a pirate was feared even. All those treasure chests of gold I stole, all those magical Arabian ladies stroking me, all those virginal maidens pandering to my every need. And then ... Along came the feminist movement!
Kim: Oh my!
She and Horatio espy the pirate ship below, we have caught it, she says, yes, nods Horatio, watch out, squawk the ravens, that things got cannons on it, far out, she thinks, I haven't seen a decent cannon fight in centuries.
Mary interjects now: Kim's sound effects bring the story to life. 
Mary: Caw Caw!
Kim: Boom Boom!
Liz: How did Basil Brush get into this?
We'll bomb them, caw the ravens, and the birdpoo rains down onto the black sails, onto the faded pirate flag, onto the deck, onto the bearded pirate captain!
*#*#*# shouts Captain Kim, I cannot see! I cannot see!
The ship hits a wave on the wrong angle and goes down, down, under the water, under the ocean, it disappears from sight!
Kim: Fuck! I can't see!
Dammit! She shouts! We missed a good cannon battle now and the baby has disappeared into the waters. Horatio neighs abjectly, and the ravens hide their faces under their wings in embarrassment. Shamed out.
She, her witchiness Iri, (giving myself a starring role this time), she gets out her wand and taps her neck and Horatio's neck and gills appear. Don't worry, she consoles the ravens, we know you were trying to help.
Kim: What about the baby?
Liz: Read on, good sir, read on!
Then - out of their comfort zone again - Horatio and Iri divebomb down to the ocean, they plunge through the surface, they swim through the ever-thickening salty water, their eyes stinging.
And now the Orcas, the fiercest of the Killer Whales are joining them, diving ever deeper to the bottom of the sea, to the green-bearded King Neptune's lair. Neptune lolls on an expensive seaweed couch, glistening with stars and fairy lights, mermaids feed him cockle and mussels, alive alive, oh. Golden tendrils of salted netting drip from the shell encrusted ceiling.
Imagine, this huge cavern glistening, glittering and you suddenly realise you can hear music and you recognise the song. "Marina, Marina, I just met a girl named Marina", and she glides in, deep sorrowful aqua eyes surveying you. Horatio and Iri shiver, this woman, this mermaid, this creature is known to them, she is evil personified. She is holding the baby, she makes clucking sounds to it. She is not going to let it go. Blood drips from her mouth, she has been in a feeding frenzy with her sisters, it isn't every day an entire pirate ship drops down from the Airworld and lands with a thud and a scattering of coral, right at your back door!
Man, that crew was tasty, she murmurs (she always murmurs, she considers it sexy). So well salted. We have manacled that pirate captain into the roasting oven, he is being marinated. Cook says it will take at least a year, his flesh is so tough and his insides are all knotted in weed.
Good, exclaims Neptune, that captain is my twin brother, I always hated him, he used to stomp on me in the womb. Marina stares at him pityingly and croons to the baby. I like this baby, she murmurs (I told you she was always murmuring) it is a girl baby. I'm going to call it Mary.
Liz: You all had to know that baby was Mary, right?
Gillian: Yes!
Iri and Horatio are whispering to each other, trying to work out how they are going to snatch baby Mary (so am I, truth be told). The Orcas are swimming around violently, they are slapping their tails together, they are blowing hard through their blowholes, strange high sounds are emitted through their skin. Then it happens, the largest Orca, the wildest Orca, the most dangerous Orca of all, she swims hard out at Marina, she knocks the evil mermaid over, baby Mary flies out of her arms and into the wide-opened mouth of the Orca who immediately slams it shut, wheels around, faster than a speedy roadracer and sweeps out of Neptune's cave, all the other Orcas following.
Iri leaps onto Horatio's back and they scream around in a skid, flying through the water but not fast enough, and the Orcas get away, they are out of sight...
To be continued>>>

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